“You need to work on yourself and get your depression and anxiety in check. I can’t deal with that kind of thing,” you said, eyes emotionless. It was a low blow and tore me to pieces hearing that, but I knew that was one thing you were right about. After discussing working on ourselves and staying apart, you were quick to move on, and I worked on myself. Alone.
Being single has always been a difficult endeavor for me. It felt lonely, and I always felt hopeless not having someone by my side. I needed reassurance that I was loved and appreciated, even though I was never given those things. One bad relationship after another, constantly dealing with mental and emotional abuse, being cheated on. It didnt matter, so long as I had someone to call mine.
It ultimately wasn’t until you spoke those words that I heard the most truth come from your mouth. It took someone I had loved for so long, someone I gave my entire life up for, to finally realize what I really needed. It wasn’t another relationship: it was getting myself together and keeping it that way until I knew I was capable of making good decisions and finding someone worthwhile. Sure, I dated someone briefly (an entire six days), but I realized quick he wasn’t for me.
I will never obtain perfection, even though in many aspects I’m a perfectionist, and my OCD exacerbates these issues. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of finding true love. It doesnt mean I should settle for anything less than the best. It doesn’t mean I give my heart to anyone who looks at me or calls me beautiful. It means, I wait until the time is right.
I refuse to live any longer as a person who clings to anyone to justify not wanting to be alone. That’s what family is for. That’s what friends are for. That’s what pets are for. To ensure you are not alone. Sure, not having anyone to cuddle up with at night is tiresome, but I’m adult enough to admit a teddy bear my mom made me suffices.
Being single for the last five months has not only been freeing, it’s also been an adventure. I’ve made an array of new friends, got my flirt on, gone to concerts, lost weight, learned that being independent is a great thing, and overall, while still fighting it day to day, I’ve managed to stop my medications and can live a mostly normal and functioning life (other than occasional panic attacks while I’m at large stores or malls, my constant need to wash my hands, and occasional short-lived self pity in which I’ve acquired the PMA attitude and lifestyle to counteract it.)
I had a difficult time accepting being single after two years, but it was what I needed. I needed this; I needed you to treat me wrong to finalize my desire to wait for someone who will treat me right and I cannot thank you enough for that. I won’t ever settle for just anyone again, and this goes for you and every other guy I’ve dated except one, and he knows who he is.
I will always be flawed and I will always have an off day, just like anyone else would. It doesn’t mean I’m unworthy of being loved. I deserve the best, so thank you for making that a possibility.